He was 3 minutes early. We were supposed to meet for lunch at 1, and he was already here. I'd spent hours thinking about what I would wear today, what we would talk about, if I should wear my sunglasses, where we should go...and now it was 12:57 pm, and he was here. It finally hit me.
Our first encounter since that awful phone call. That horrid phone conversation where everything was laid out on the table, nothing was held back, and we just let loose. I'd explained everything to him--my mixed feelings about his girlfriend, about our friendship, about our past, our present, our future. And he said a lot of things that night that I needed to hear, that I'd been dying to hear. How exactly was this going to go down? Do we talk about it? Will it have an affect on us?
My stomach went upside down. I was nervous as all hell. Suddenly the dress I was wearing wasn't flattering enough, suddenly I felt like I'd gained 20 pounds, suddenly I wasn't wearing enough make-up, my hair was flat, and I became horribly self-conscious of my legs. Since when did my dress get this short?
I decided to use the restroom before breaking for lunch. As I was walking back to the classroom we were rehearsing in...I saw him. He was down the hall outside of a different door. He didn't see me. I watched him. He was going from door to door, just looking around the building. I don't know if he was trying to find our classroom or what, I didn't care. As soon as I saw him, all the nerves went away. He became human. I didn't feel like I had to please him, or impress him. Suddenly I was me again. I smiled to myself and walked back into the classroom.
I've been feeling different lately. A good different. I don't feel as incomplete anymore. I'm on my own, I'm doing fine, and I haven't worried about love or relationships for a while. I haven't worried about him. I haven't worried about anybody. I've only been taking care of myself, doing things that make me happy. All on my own, too. My job is wonderful, absolutely amazing. The people I work with are great. I've been going to concerts and plays and movies. Things are super great. I don't feel like a kid. I don't feel like a 58 year old woman. I finally, for the first time in my life, feel like my age. I am 20. I'm not tired or weary or worn out. I'm happy. Wow. I'm actually happy.
He and I had lots of fun at lunch. He was actually quite the gentleman, which was new for us. We made crude jokes, talked about theatre, laughed about people...we were friends. We had fun. It's so hard to wrap my mind around all of this.
There was a moment today when I was talking to my director about a rehearsal space issue and how I was handling it, and he turns to my director and says, "Isn't she great?" My director looks at him and says, "She's wonderful." I looked at him and smiled brightly. It was one of my proudest moments.
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