Crack Nature's Mold

It's that point where that person's face is unrecognizable, where you can't even place where you know them from.  I see him, and I see his face, and it seems like he should make sense, and to my numb and inebriated mind he does make sense, but the face, the face just doesn't register.  I see my past, I know my past and I remember him, but the way he looks now...I wait for him to talk to me.  All the time.  I always want him to be the one to communicate, establish, initiate, when I could just as easily do any of those.  But where's the fun in that?  My face is numb.  The people who know me well, know what that means, and probably know where these miscellaneous writings are coming from.  I spent 10 minutes staring at his face, that seemingly happy face that hardly ever reared its head in photograph for all the time I knew him.  I don't think he ever even posed for a photo, except for our dance picture, and even then it seems as if he just turned around and there was that face, that smirk.  There are so many vivid pictures of him in my mind, and yet none of them are even similar to the pictures I have just seen.  None.  It's hard for me to believe I ever even knew him.  Maybe I didn't.  Maybe I don't.  I want to take the easy way out with the whole "maybe it was just a dream" philosophy, but we all know that's not true in the slightest.  It wasn't a dream, it was real, I was there, he was there, several other people were there, days, weeks, months passed of us being there together with other people and enjoying our time.  I was there.  I did know him.  I just don't know him now.  Fuck.  None of this is making sense.  Hands and face are numb.  Even the toes.  But my mind is alert, and thinking at rapid speed.  Where's the sense in all this, the theme that can bring me back down to earth?  It's not there.  It's sitting in that wine bottle in the fridge.  Fuuuuuuuck.  It's almost 5 am, I check out at 10.  Still haven't packed.  What a whirlwind this has been, and now it is all gone.  Blow winds, and crack your cheeks!  Rage!  Blow!

Feelin' Two Foot Small

I don't even know what I would say.

I saw him the other night and it definitely messed with my head.  Number one, because it was in a relatively familiar environment with people we both knew and a setting that could not have been more reminiscent.  I went and saw A Midsummer Night's Dream, and he was there.  The last time we were both at a production of A Midsummer Night's Dream was the last time we were ever intimate together, and that was quite possibly the point in our friendship that caused everything to come a-tumbling down.  And there we were in that room, watching this play that ruined our friendship, with all of our mutual theatre friends, in plain view of each other.  What's worse is that he definitely did not put any of these facts together.  He was just seeing a play.  Not reliving painful memories.

I was hurt that he didn't say hi, but I can't decide if I would've been more unhappy if he had said hi.  What if he had approached me?  I'd probably be sitting here crying about how unfulfilling it was.  Complaining about how he didn't hug me, or look at me, or ask me how I'm doing, or what I'm doing, or tell me that I look nice, or whatever.  Would I have yelled at him?  Ignored him?  Probably not.  I'd like to think those choices would've crossed my mind, but they probably wouldn't have.  Why didn't I approach him, you ask?  Well, because I'm too afraid.  I'm afraid he'll ignore me, or yell at me, or reject me in some way.  And I feel like he owes it to me to be the first to say hello.  Why should I have to be the one to initiate contact?  But then again...why does he?

I still don't even know what I would say.  All I want to do whenever I see him is to spill about all the amazing things I am doing, how happy I am, how many friends I've made, how much I really truly don't need him, and how well I have survived without him.  But I know he doesn't care.  I will never be able to impress him or make him care.  Yes, he'll be happy for me, whatever, but he'll never give me the reaction I want.  And I will never be truly healthy and happy until I reach that point where convincing him of my happiness is not an issue or a necessity.  I shouldn't even care.  And right now I do, and I am aware of that, and I'm working on it to stop.

Why do all signs point toward him, though?  Right when I think I'm ok, I see him.  Every time I'm on the brink of letting go, something clicks in my brain and all of a sudden some glimmer of hope for salvation pops up and points directly at him.  This happens every time.  It used to be that I would look for these signs, but now they just fucking happen and haunt me and ruin my life for about a week and a half.

This acting program is the only thing keeping me sane.  Being distant and away.  There's no chance seeing him out here.  None.

Then why do I feel like he's right behind me?

Viva La Vida

A chapter in my life has been closed.  A new beginning has started and it feels wonderful.  I have finally let go of what is done, what is over, and I am finally ok with doing so.  It doesn't hurt, it does not cause me pain, and I feel so much stronger, so independent.  I miss him, yes, but I don't NEED him anymore.  It is no longer necessary for me to see him, to talk to him, to remain in his life.  All that is here now is the present and the future.  I don't even feel the past.  I cannot express to you how glorious this feels.  To be so free, to be so distant, and yet feel so unified.  No longer in repair, no longer blaming it on a simple twist of fate the regrets are gone, the anger is gone, everything has fallen into place, and I have done it all on my own.

Yesterday was very cleansing.  I was given the chance to experience a lot of new things, to move on to something completely different and unique and life-changing.  I worked with people I had just met and constructed relationships with all of these people.  I entered a new life.

This morning I woke up feeling like hell.  My head hurt, my eyes wouldn't open, my stomach was all messed up, I was ridiculously sore; I felt awful.  But it wasn't the kind of awful where you don't want to do anything.  In fact, I felt more motivated than ever.  What I think happened was that because I did so many new things yesterday, so many cleansing processes, my body is now trying to get rid of all the toxins that polluted me before.  I'm working all the bad stuff out of my system and conforming into this new person.  Now I feel like doing everything all the time.  Even right now when I am utterly exhausted and going on 6 hours of sleep, I still want to go for a run.  Or dance.  Or just move in some way.  I'm still open to do all of that, because it has all been so refreshing so far.

I've never experienced anything like this before.  Being able to let go of all my inhibitions and just live and be with people who have no idea who I was or even am, and I'm free to be whoever I want.  No point of reference, except my own.  How fantastic.