I saw him the other night and it definitely messed with my head. Number one, because it was in a relatively familiar environment with people we both knew and a setting that could not have been more reminiscent. I went and saw A Midsummer Night's Dream, and he was there. The last time we were both at a production of A Midsummer Night's Dream was the last time we were ever intimate together, and that was quite possibly the point in our friendship that caused everything to come a-tumbling down. And there we were in that room, watching this play that ruined our friendship, with all of our mutual theatre friends, in plain view of each other. What's worse is that he definitely did not put any of these facts together. He was just seeing a play. Not reliving painful memories.
I was hurt that he didn't say hi, but I can't decide if I would've been more unhappy if he had said hi. What if he had approached me? I'd probably be sitting here crying about how unfulfilling it was. Complaining about how he didn't hug me, or look at me, or ask me how I'm doing, or what I'm doing, or tell me that I look nice, or whatever. Would I have yelled at him? Ignored him? Probably not. I'd like to think those choices would've crossed my mind, but they probably wouldn't have. Why didn't I approach him, you ask? Well, because I'm too afraid. I'm afraid he'll ignore me, or yell at me, or reject me in some way. And I feel like he owes it to me to be the first to say hello. Why should I have to be the one to initiate contact? But then again...why does he?
I still don't even know what I would say. All I want to do whenever I see him is to spill about all the amazing things I am doing, how happy I am, how many friends I've made, how much I really truly don't need him, and how well I have survived without him. But I know he doesn't care. I will never be able to impress him or make him care. Yes, he'll be happy for me, whatever, but he'll never give me the reaction I want. And I will never be truly healthy and happy until I reach that point where convincing him of my happiness is not an issue or a necessity. I shouldn't even care. And right now I do, and I am aware of that, and I'm working on it to stop.
Why do all signs point toward him, though? Right when I think I'm ok, I see him. Every time I'm on the brink of letting go, something clicks in my brain and all of a sudden some glimmer of hope for salvation pops up and points directly at him. This happens every time. It used to be that I would look for these signs, but now they just fucking happen and haunt me and ruin my life for about a week and a half.
This acting program is the only thing keeping me sane. Being distant and away. There's no chance seeing him out here. None.
Then why do I feel like he's right behind me?
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