I saw him. I saw him last night. He was standing right there, right there on that stage he and I know all too well. His blonde hair and crooked smile were right there in front of me, and I couldn’t do anything. I stopped breathing. My heart was pounding and pounding and my head began to swell. I thought I was going to faint.
I ran. I ran away. I ran through the auditorium, out the door, and down the street, with Toby right behind me, begging me not to go. I stopped halfway down the street and looked into the window of the foyer. And there he was again. Just standing there. And in that moment I realized how silly it was to be afraid of him. I looked down at the ground and then back up at him, and then turned around and walked back to the auditorium door where Toby was waiting. He asked me what happened and I said, “He’s in the foyer.”
I thought about going to the foyer, I really did. Just so I could finally face him and get this the fuck over with. But then I thought about whether or not I actually wanted to see him. I thought about how awkward that encounter might be. I thought about how he has made no effort to contact me while he was here, and how I have just been waiting to see him. I don’t even think he would be happy to see me. I don’t think he’d even hug me, or look at me. I haven’t seen his eyes in almost two years now. That’s how long it’s been since he’s actually looked at me.
I went back inside and sat down. I don’t know what I was expecting to happen, but I definitely wasn’t expecting what did happen. He left. He got up from the back of the auditorium, walked all the way down to the stage, walked across the stage, and then he was gone. I didn’t know what to do. I know he saw me. I know he saw me. There’s no way he couldn’t have. I was loud and making noise with Toby the whole time, a girl onstage called out my name when I walked in; the only thing I was missing was a bright neon sign saying “I’M ALY BENNETT.” He saw me, and he left. I started crying when I figured out he was gone. I don’t even know why. Maybe because that was my chance to finally face him, and I blew it. Or maybe it was because I was so hurt by the fact that he wouldn’t say hi. Or maybe it was because I’d never felt so small and unimportant in my entire life.
I’m not in love with him anymore, I know I’m not. It’s just that…when I get in the same room with him, all the insecurities I had from when I was in love with him, they all come flooding back, all of them. And all the hate I felt for myself during that time can’t help but make itself apparent. And then when he does something like that, something so obvious and simple as not saying hi, well, that just staples a big “YES” to all the worries I had when I was in love with him. It makes every piece of doubt come true. He never loved me, he never liked me, I was never important to him, I never meant anything, he forgot about me, all of those just go on repeat in my mind.
When he left, I couldn’t stop crying. I sat in the back of the auditorium and cried as much as I could. Tears were just flooding. I couldn’t remember the last time I cried like that. I texted him and thanked him for saying hi. He said he didn’t see me. I told him I didn’t believe him. He said he was sorry. I don’t remember if I answered. I didn’t even say hi to him, I didn’t even share a word with him, and he’s still able to do this to me? How is that fair? How does that happen?
When will I be free of this mess? Oh right, when I let myself be free.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Monday, March 24, 2008
You Go Your Way And I Go Mine
I was standing in line at the Starbucks inside Barnes & Noble today and couldn't help but think about just what the hell I would do if I turned around, coffee in hand, and saw him. I honestly have no idea what would happen in that moment. My stomach freaks out just thinking about it. Would I throw the coffee in his face? Would I force a hug? Would I cry? Yell? Scream? Run away? Ignore the entire thing? I honestly have no idea what I would do. And I freaked out thinking about it. I started shaking and couldn't get the courage to even move. I snapped out of it when the barista called my name and handed me my soy vanilla latte. But I still turned around very hesitantly. And I've been moving with caution ever since.
Knowing he is here, in the same town, and that there is even a remote chance of me seeing him, freaks me the hell out. That I could turn around at any moment and see him right there, standing in front me, with that crooked smile and those piercing blue eyes. I've been trying to block those out of my memory for months now. I don't even want to think about the sort of memories that would come flooding back to me if I were to see him face to face. And yet, there is a part of me that wishes I could see him, just so I could see what I would do. I really want to know.
I am literally deathly afraid of seeing him. I might faint.
I went to see The Bank Job with Toby and Jordan tonight, and the entire time that we were at the movie theater, my eyes were darting all around, making sure he wasn't there. And then when we went to Carrows afterwards, I kept gazing out the window looking for his car. I just wish I knew where he was. Cuz it sucks not knowing and having there always be that chance that we'll be in the same place at the same time. I've got an entire week of this guessing game, too.
I remember when I saw him over Winter Break. I freaked out. Luckily I was in Erin's car, and he was in his car, so there wasn't any chance of us actually having to speak to each other. I don't even think he saw me. All I remember is driving with Sarah and Erin to Wells Fargo, and seeing him in the car behind us. I got really quiet and started shaking. I was on edge the rest of Winter Break.
I shouldn't be afraid of him, and I hate that I am. What I hate even more is that it wouldn't be a big deal for him to see me. He doesn't fear seeing me. He doesn't keep a look out for me every second of the day. And here I am sitting in my room, just PRAYING he doesn't call and ask me to come outside.
...And at the same time, I'm praying he's outside right now.
Knowing he is here, in the same town, and that there is even a remote chance of me seeing him, freaks me the hell out. That I could turn around at any moment and see him right there, standing in front me, with that crooked smile and those piercing blue eyes. I've been trying to block those out of my memory for months now. I don't even want to think about the sort of memories that would come flooding back to me if I were to see him face to face. And yet, there is a part of me that wishes I could see him, just so I could see what I would do. I really want to know.
I am literally deathly afraid of seeing him. I might faint.
I went to see The Bank Job with Toby and Jordan tonight, and the entire time that we were at the movie theater, my eyes were darting all around, making sure he wasn't there. And then when we went to Carrows afterwards, I kept gazing out the window looking for his car. I just wish I knew where he was. Cuz it sucks not knowing and having there always be that chance that we'll be in the same place at the same time. I've got an entire week of this guessing game, too.
I remember when I saw him over Winter Break. I freaked out. Luckily I was in Erin's car, and he was in his car, so there wasn't any chance of us actually having to speak to each other. I don't even think he saw me. All I remember is driving with Sarah and Erin to Wells Fargo, and seeing him in the car behind us. I got really quiet and started shaking. I was on edge the rest of Winter Break.
I shouldn't be afraid of him, and I hate that I am. What I hate even more is that it wouldn't be a big deal for him to see me. He doesn't fear seeing me. He doesn't keep a look out for me every second of the day. And here I am sitting in my room, just PRAYING he doesn't call and ask me to come outside.
...And at the same time, I'm praying he's outside right now.
Monday, March 17, 2008
This is a Testimonial. Read with severe caution.
I always need silence when I write. I don't know why that is.
I don't even know what I want to write about. Everything in my life seems so dramatic. But not even real life dramatic, just high school dramatic. Boys liking me, me liking boys. It seems like there is so much going on, but at the same time, it seems like nothing is happening. Ugh, fucking paradoxes. That one doesn't even make sense. I can't even write like a normal person anymore, that's how immature these last couple weeks have been.
I don't trust anyone anymore. It's kinda ridiculous. I read into everything. I think it's cuz the one person that I trusted for so long became so flighty and distant. I hate that I know nothing about him, but he knows everything about me. He doesn't even need to ask, he just KNOWS. And it sucks. It makes me want to never trust anyone again with anything. And I don't. I hate showing my sensitive side now. Unless it's too him, of course. I think that's all he ever sees is the side of me that feels pain and suffers all the time. Because I know I can't keep up a facade with him, it is impossible for me to lie to him. But at the same time, it's so tempting to...
I don't even know where I am going to be next semester. I don't even know where I am right now.
I just want to sleep for a week and wake up in a completely different world. I would like to one day just disappear without so much as a goodbye. I think it'd be funny.
Jim Morrison had this fascination with death. Since I was really young, I've had almost the same fascination. I've always had the feeling that I will die young. I know that's an awful thing to say, and I'm sure everyone's freaked out by me by now, but it's true. I think about it all too often, and because of that, I think I've kind of accepted it.
I don't like being left behind. I don't think anyone does in this world, but I especially take it very very hard. Maybe that's why I'm so attracted to death. Because that way, I would be doing the leaving, not vise-versa. There'd be no way for anyone to leave me, I would be the one to flee. Maybe that's why I've always been drawn to suicide cases, too. Like, I'm not suicidal or anything, I could never take my own life, but I've always been drawn to those that do. I always want to know what they were thinking, I wish I could live inside of their head for that split second before they do it, just to know what kind of chaos was happening. I'm pretty sure it would ruin me to ever know, but I'm still curious.
I once tried it. But obviously failed. No, I shouldn't see it as failing, I should see it as winning. I'm glad I didn't go all the way through with it. I used to think about it a lot my junior year of high school. I tried it the summer after junior year. It didn't get too serious, my life wasn't in too much danger. I don't want to go into how I almost did it, or why, or anything. It just still haunts me to this day. I don't see it as a huge deal anymore because it's so far in the past, but I mean I think about what happened every once in a while. Things like that don't leave you very easily, or most likely ever. I remember I called Jake right after. He calmed me down. He came by the house and we had a severe heart to heart. I fell in love with him that night. I mean, I'd always liked him a lot, but that night, that was when I fell in love and never looked back. I wonder if he knows that.
I used to cut, too. Goddam it, I don't know why I've decided to talk about this so suddenly. Um...yeah, I started to cut in 7th grade, stopped, and then picked it back up again the end of my junior year. Again, I'd prefer not to go into why. I stopped the beginning of my senior year. Jake was there for all of that, too. He was actually the one to get me to stop. I remember the last time I did it, I told him, and the next day, he distanced himself. It was the 10th time, and he was sick of it. And since that day, he has been distancing himself further and further with each passing moment. That's why I stopped. Because I lost the one person I loved by doing it. After that day, I've never been able to regain his trust. Something died that day. "The end is where we start from", however, and I've been cut-free ever since. I can't describe to you how bittersweet that feeling is, with a fat emphasis on "bitter."
So I guess that's that. I really don't know how to end this now. I'm sorry if I've freaked anyone out, but this is what I've gone through in simplest terms. I could elaborate and embellish, but I'd prefer not to. There really is no point. All things must pass. This is me letting those things go.
I don't even know what I want to write about. Everything in my life seems so dramatic. But not even real life dramatic, just high school dramatic. Boys liking me, me liking boys. It seems like there is so much going on, but at the same time, it seems like nothing is happening. Ugh, fucking paradoxes. That one doesn't even make sense. I can't even write like a normal person anymore, that's how immature these last couple weeks have been.
I don't trust anyone anymore. It's kinda ridiculous. I read into everything. I think it's cuz the one person that I trusted for so long became so flighty and distant. I hate that I know nothing about him, but he knows everything about me. He doesn't even need to ask, he just KNOWS. And it sucks. It makes me want to never trust anyone again with anything. And I don't. I hate showing my sensitive side now. Unless it's too him, of course. I think that's all he ever sees is the side of me that feels pain and suffers all the time. Because I know I can't keep up a facade with him, it is impossible for me to lie to him. But at the same time, it's so tempting to...
I don't even know where I am going to be next semester. I don't even know where I am right now.
I just want to sleep for a week and wake up in a completely different world. I would like to one day just disappear without so much as a goodbye. I think it'd be funny.
Jim Morrison had this fascination with death. Since I was really young, I've had almost the same fascination. I've always had the feeling that I will die young. I know that's an awful thing to say, and I'm sure everyone's freaked out by me by now, but it's true. I think about it all too often, and because of that, I think I've kind of accepted it.
I don't like being left behind. I don't think anyone does in this world, but I especially take it very very hard. Maybe that's why I'm so attracted to death. Because that way, I would be doing the leaving, not vise-versa. There'd be no way for anyone to leave me, I would be the one to flee. Maybe that's why I've always been drawn to suicide cases, too. Like, I'm not suicidal or anything, I could never take my own life, but I've always been drawn to those that do. I always want to know what they were thinking, I wish I could live inside of their head for that split second before they do it, just to know what kind of chaos was happening. I'm pretty sure it would ruin me to ever know, but I'm still curious.
I once tried it. But obviously failed. No, I shouldn't see it as failing, I should see it as winning. I'm glad I didn't go all the way through with it. I used to think about it a lot my junior year of high school. I tried it the summer after junior year. It didn't get too serious, my life wasn't in too much danger. I don't want to go into how I almost did it, or why, or anything. It just still haunts me to this day. I don't see it as a huge deal anymore because it's so far in the past, but I mean I think about what happened every once in a while. Things like that don't leave you very easily, or most likely ever. I remember I called Jake right after. He calmed me down. He came by the house and we had a severe heart to heart. I fell in love with him that night. I mean, I'd always liked him a lot, but that night, that was when I fell in love and never looked back. I wonder if he knows that.
I used to cut, too. Goddam it, I don't know why I've decided to talk about this so suddenly. Um...yeah, I started to cut in 7th grade, stopped, and then picked it back up again the end of my junior year. Again, I'd prefer not to go into why. I stopped the beginning of my senior year. Jake was there for all of that, too. He was actually the one to get me to stop. I remember the last time I did it, I told him, and the next day, he distanced himself. It was the 10th time, and he was sick of it. And since that day, he has been distancing himself further and further with each passing moment. That's why I stopped. Because I lost the one person I loved by doing it. After that day, I've never been able to regain his trust. Something died that day. "The end is where we start from", however, and I've been cut-free ever since. I can't describe to you how bittersweet that feeling is, with a fat emphasis on "bitter."
So I guess that's that. I really don't know how to end this now. I'm sorry if I've freaked anyone out, but this is what I've gone through in simplest terms. I could elaborate and embellish, but I'd prefer not to. There really is no point. All things must pass. This is me letting those things go.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Standing In The Doorway
"Don't know if I saw ya, if I'd kiss ya or kill ya;
It wouldn't matter to you anyhow."
--Bob Dylan, "Standing In The Doorway"
He just knows how to put me down. I hate him all over again.
It wouldn't matter to you anyhow."
--Bob Dylan, "Standing In The Doorway"
He just knows how to put me down. I hate him all over again.
Friday, March 14, 2008
Crazy Eyes Have You
I am overwhelmed.
I went to Ojai today, because I am production designer for the Ojai Art Center's upcoming show, The Velveteen Rabbit. Production designer means that I basically map out the entire production up until the performances. I have to come up with a working set, lights, costumes, sound, basically everything except for casting and blocking and all that. Right now we're in pre-production mode, so the only thing I am trying to put together is a set design. I met with the director about 2 weeks ago to discuss this, but I of course forgot EVERYTHING, and had to make another trip out to Ojai today to look at the stage and brainstorm ideas. I have to have a final sketch by Sunday. Mmmm...procrastination.
So I tried to wake up at 9:30 am, so I could give myself enough time to go over to VHS and get my transcripts before catching the 10:48 am bus to Ojai. This didn't work out so well. I indeed woke up at 9:30 am, but I ended up laying in bed for a half hour doing...something. I can't even remember what. Probably facebooking it or something dumb. So I officially got up at 10 [the time I'd promised myself I'd be at VHS by], and tried to find something to wear. I wanted to wear this cute black dress I'd just gotten, but it was FREAKING ASS COLD this morning, so I left it hanging in my closet. I remembered it was Purple For Peace day today, so I fished out my purple corduroy pants, and put on my PEACE shirt. It's this shirt that I got that is just COVERED in peace signs, different interpretations of the peace sign, it's really colorful and vibrant. You'd be able to see me coming from a mile and a half away. So by this time I felt very colorful and loud, so to kick it up an extra notch [my motto's always been "go big or go home"], I put on my BRIGHT GREEN converse. I was sty-lin. I grabbed my vibrant mustard-colored purse and a sweatshirt and left the house at about 10:20 am, most likely with a neon glow surrounding me.
I got to the bus stop like 20 minutes early [typical], and debated whether or not I'd have enough time to get my transcripts and catch the bus. I decided my chances were slim, because everytime I'd been to the records office in the past, the service had always been really slow. So instead to kill time I walked to the next bus stop down the street; it's a more comfortable location anyway. The one nearest to my house doesn't have a bench, but the one down the street does. So I sat there for a good 15 minutes or so, humming Jaymay's "Gray Or Blue" to myself and WISHING I had written that song. Goddam, that song is beautiful. Then the bus came and I somehow kept myself busy for an hour, I honestly don't remember how. I didn't read a book or anything. I guess I just zoned out for an hour.
So I get to Ojai, and let me tell you, that city for me is just flooded with memories. I always have the weirdest sensation of mixed emotions with every step that I take. Some memories overlap each other, some are hilarious, some destroy my soul, ugh, it's crazy. I love it. Anyways, I get to the Art Center like 15 minutes early, so I decide to get a cup of coffee first. I paid $4 for a vanilla latte, the usual price for that specific drink, but the bitterness I usually have towards spending money on coffee was subsided by the thought of supporting an independent coffee shop, as opposed to a coffee chain of some sort. I'd pay $20 for a latte if it meant helping out that wonderful town. Oh, Ojai, you independent temptress.
I then walked over to the Art Center and since I was still a little bit early, I thought I would check out the gallery they have set up. It was SO BEAUTIFUL. I mean, they always have amazing paintings up, but I think this is their best gallery yet. If you get a chance, please check it out. They're displaying two very talented local artists right now: one gal named Sally Reid, whose work is very abstract and Picasso-influenced, and another woman name Irena something, I forget her last name, but her work was very real and subtle, but rich. I don't know how long they'll be up, but please check their stuff out, if you're ever in the area.
Finally it's noon and I meet with the Office Manager, Terry, and tell her who I am and why I'm there and stuff, and she opens up the theatre, so I can take a gander. I walk in to find these two men already in there working on a set for a production that opens I think next weekend or something. So I introduce myself to the guys and find out that one of them is going to be helping me with my Velveteen Rabbit set. He was kind of an oddball, but still pretty alright. Definite Ojai character. I could tell he didn't take me seriously, and this will probably be a problem in the upcoming months, but, eh, we'll see. We discussed some plans for Velveteen Rabbit, and he asked me where I was from, and I told him Ventura. He asked, "Where's that?" and at first I thought he was kidding, cuz I hadn't run into a single person in Ojai who didn't know where Ventura was. It was the first time that I had to actually think about Ventura's directional relationship to Ojai. Cuz like, Ojai is a half hour inland from Ventura...does that mean Ventura is a half hour OUT-land from Ojai? I didn't know how to answer so I just told him it was about a half hour South-ish. He really didn't care. He kept pronouncing it "Ven-turry" anyway. Whatever. It's really not that big of a deal.
I spent about a half hour there talking to that guy and coming up with sketches and set ideas and stuff. I left the theatre only to find that it was RIDICULOUSLY warm outside. I took off my sweatshirt and tied it around my purse, in the way I remembered Amanda doing so often. I can't believe I'd never seen someone else do that before. It's so practical! Anyways, I knew the bus wouldn't be coming for another half hour or so, so I started wandering about Ojai. I suddenly remembered that a few weeks ago, I'd walked by a store in Ojai that had a cute top in the window with an Om symbol on it. At the time, I didn't have money for it, so I was super bummed and promised I'd go back. Well, I figured at this point I had nothing better to do, and $50 to spend, so I looked for the store. I found it and it still had that cute top in the window, so I went inside.
The people in this store were SO NICE. SO NICE. I can't even express to you how lovely they were. They were all older women with well-kept hairdos and classy jewelry and very muted clothing. Immediately when I walked in one of them saw me and said, "Wow, I love your purse! That's such a beautiful color!" Another one of the women went, "Oh, let me see! Oh, that's the color I'm painting my kitchen!" and then they went off about how she's redoing her entire house and getting all new furniture and it was one of the loveliest conversations that I've ever had. Finally she asked me if there was anything that she could help me find, and I told her that I was just looking around. I found the Om top, but they didn't have one in my size, so I decided to look around at other things. They had some amazing jewelry, and my Om necklace has been looking pretty sad lately, so I asked them if they had any jewelry with the Om symbol. The woman behind the counter got all excited and said, "Oh! We just got a new shipment of some lovely Om influenced jewelry!" She brought out all these different necklaces with the Om symbol and let me try on every one of them. I wanted them all, but settled on this beautiful ornate silver one with a purple stone hanging down from it, and a purple stone on the top of it. I really like it. One of the women commented that it matched my vibrant outfit very well. She said, "I love your top, it's very beautiful. It reminds me of that movie Across The Universe. Have you seen that?" My eyes got all wide as I told her about how I'd seen it 4 times in theaters and how much I'd LOVED IT. She agreed that it was very well done. The lady gave me 20% off my necklace, and helped me put it on so I could walk out of the store wearing it. I wished them a lovely day and they told me to enjoy the weather. I want to visit them again soon.
I walked out of the store and saw that I had just missed the bus again. I had an hour to kill, so I walked into a couple other stores and looked at shit. I then caught a glance of Libbey Park across the street and noticed a huge banner that said "OJAI PEACE COALITION". I was of course immediately drawn to it. I walked over there wearing my new studly Om necklace and my crazy PEACE shirt and asked them what was going on here and how I could help. They had these pillars set up that had pictures of befallen soldiers in Iraq. They explained to me that they are in the process of getting a petition signed to show to the Ojai City Council to urge them to make their voices heard and join the fight against the war. I was of course down with that. They said that in accordance, they were having people write down the names of befallen soldiers on the pavement in chalk to show just how many have died. The entire pavement was covered in blue chalk-written names. They handed me a sheet with a bunch of names on it, and showed me where other people left off and where I could start. They gave me a square to work in, some blue chalk and a knee pad thing [I thought that was very thoughtful]. I decided I was only going to write down 5 names. So I wrote down 5 names. Then I decided to do 10 names. So I got to 10. Then I kept going. I finished out the rest of the page, the rest of the square, I couldn't stop writing down names. Next to each name, I put a peace sign. I found myself crying after a while, it was so hard to deal with. I ended up putting down about 22 or 23 names. I got up and handed them back the blue chalk and told them I'd finished out the page. They were SO HAPPY. They wished me a lovely day and I asked them if there was anything else that I could do. They told me I could sign their petition if I wanted, so I did. I loved that they weren't pushy or anything. A woman who was helping to organize this function told me she loved my shirt. "Did you know we were going to be out here today?" she said. And I said, "Ya know, I think subconsciously I did." She smiled and handed me a blue ribbon to pin to my shirt to show my support. I wished them all a lovely day and the best of luck, and they blew kisses as I left. Goddam it, I love Ojai.
I wandered over to this bookstore down the street and tried to find something interesting to read. I just finished Kahlil Gibran's "The Prophet" [which was AMAZING, Amanda, thank you for recommending that to me, I still need to write a blog about that], so yeah I was looking for something else to read. I decided I should try to find something by Gary Snyder, since I will be attempting to visit him soon, and it would be good if I was a little more knowledgeable of his writings. So I went up to the woman who was running the joint and asked her if she had anything by Gary Snyder. She said, "Ummm...I'm sorry, but I'm not familiar with the writer's name. What genre would he be?" I held in my anger and frustration and said, "Oh, he's a poet of sorts." She said, "Well, we have a wall full of poetry over here on the shelf marked 'poetry'..." and she proceeded to give me a full tour of her whole bookstore. I was like, thanks, I can read, I think I can figure out which shelves are which, but whatever. I'd already looked at the poetry section before asking her if she had anything by Gary Snyder, so I acted like I was looking through it again, and then asked her if there were any other bookstores near by. She told me to check out a bookstore up a little ways, and another more vintagey bookstore called Bart's Books. Oh, Bart's Books. I'd almost forgotten that place existed until she mentioned it. I've had far too many good times in that store. I don't think I've been in there for 2 years. Anyone who knew me 2 years ago knows what those "good times" entail.
I was going to walk over to Bart's Books and probably face a painful walk down memory lane, but then I saw the bus in the distance and took it as a sign that my Ojai adventure was over. I got on the bus and wrote about my adventures all the way home. I got off at the VHS stop and went to get my transcripts, and then met up with Danielley, Tobler, and Jon. We went over to Corrales and ended up staying there for like 2 and a half hours. It was pretty ridic. Then Danielley had to get to rehearsal, so we picked up our things and walked back over to VHS after making a quick stop at mein Haus. I went with Danielley and Tobler to their Sweet Charity rehearsal, and had a blast going on adventures with Tobler. We went up to the AP light room, the spotlight room, the orchestra pit, and hung around in the green room telling each other awkward stories. I also read him a children's story called "The Snow Must Go On", and had a great time in doing so until I got super pissed off because it described the dancers as ALL GIRLS and the dance teacher as a snow WOMAN. I found it incredibly sexist. Like, why did they have to specify? Why couldn't it just have been a snow TEACHER, and why did they have to be GIRL dancers? Why not just dancers? I threw the book down and screamed at it. Tobler begged me to keep reading it, so I picked it back up and reluctantly continued. It was the worst book I have ever read, but I had fun reading it to Tobler. I treated him like he was 5 and used different voices for different characters and stuff. It was hilar.
So that was my day. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get up early tomorrow for the St. Patty's Day parade. I owe Brian McDonald a favor cuz I missed his class for 2 weeks due to illness, so now I have to pass out fliers at the parade tomorrow for the lame Rubicon summer program that I might not even be a part of. Whatever. Good Night. Om Shanti.
I went to Ojai today, because I am production designer for the Ojai Art Center's upcoming show, The Velveteen Rabbit. Production designer means that I basically map out the entire production up until the performances. I have to come up with a working set, lights, costumes, sound, basically everything except for casting and blocking and all that. Right now we're in pre-production mode, so the only thing I am trying to put together is a set design. I met with the director about 2 weeks ago to discuss this, but I of course forgot EVERYTHING, and had to make another trip out to Ojai today to look at the stage and brainstorm ideas. I have to have a final sketch by Sunday. Mmmm...procrastination.
So I tried to wake up at 9:30 am, so I could give myself enough time to go over to VHS and get my transcripts before catching the 10:48 am bus to Ojai. This didn't work out so well. I indeed woke up at 9:30 am, but I ended up laying in bed for a half hour doing...something. I can't even remember what. Probably facebooking it or something dumb. So I officially got up at 10 [the time I'd promised myself I'd be at VHS by], and tried to find something to wear. I wanted to wear this cute black dress I'd just gotten, but it was FREAKING ASS COLD this morning, so I left it hanging in my closet. I remembered it was Purple For Peace day today, so I fished out my purple corduroy pants, and put on my PEACE shirt. It's this shirt that I got that is just COVERED in peace signs, different interpretations of the peace sign, it's really colorful and vibrant. You'd be able to see me coming from a mile and a half away. So by this time I felt very colorful and loud, so to kick it up an extra notch [my motto's always been "go big or go home"], I put on my BRIGHT GREEN converse. I was sty-lin. I grabbed my vibrant mustard-colored purse and a sweatshirt and left the house at about 10:20 am, most likely with a neon glow surrounding me.
I got to the bus stop like 20 minutes early [typical], and debated whether or not I'd have enough time to get my transcripts and catch the bus. I decided my chances were slim, because everytime I'd been to the records office in the past, the service had always been really slow. So instead to kill time I walked to the next bus stop down the street; it's a more comfortable location anyway. The one nearest to my house doesn't have a bench, but the one down the street does. So I sat there for a good 15 minutes or so, humming Jaymay's "Gray Or Blue" to myself and WISHING I had written that song. Goddam, that song is beautiful. Then the bus came and I somehow kept myself busy for an hour, I honestly don't remember how. I didn't read a book or anything. I guess I just zoned out for an hour.
So I get to Ojai, and let me tell you, that city for me is just flooded with memories. I always have the weirdest sensation of mixed emotions with every step that I take. Some memories overlap each other, some are hilarious, some destroy my soul, ugh, it's crazy. I love it. Anyways, I get to the Art Center like 15 minutes early, so I decide to get a cup of coffee first. I paid $4 for a vanilla latte, the usual price for that specific drink, but the bitterness I usually have towards spending money on coffee was subsided by the thought of supporting an independent coffee shop, as opposed to a coffee chain of some sort. I'd pay $20 for a latte if it meant helping out that wonderful town. Oh, Ojai, you independent temptress.
I then walked over to the Art Center and since I was still a little bit early, I thought I would check out the gallery they have set up. It was SO BEAUTIFUL. I mean, they always have amazing paintings up, but I think this is their best gallery yet. If you get a chance, please check it out. They're displaying two very talented local artists right now: one gal named Sally Reid, whose work is very abstract and Picasso-influenced, and another woman name Irena something, I forget her last name, but her work was very real and subtle, but rich. I don't know how long they'll be up, but please check their stuff out, if you're ever in the area.
Finally it's noon and I meet with the Office Manager, Terry, and tell her who I am and why I'm there and stuff, and she opens up the theatre, so I can take a gander. I walk in to find these two men already in there working on a set for a production that opens I think next weekend or something. So I introduce myself to the guys and find out that one of them is going to be helping me with my Velveteen Rabbit set. He was kind of an oddball, but still pretty alright. Definite Ojai character. I could tell he didn't take me seriously, and this will probably be a problem in the upcoming months, but, eh, we'll see. We discussed some plans for Velveteen Rabbit, and he asked me where I was from, and I told him Ventura. He asked, "Where's that?" and at first I thought he was kidding, cuz I hadn't run into a single person in Ojai who didn't know where Ventura was. It was the first time that I had to actually think about Ventura's directional relationship to Ojai. Cuz like, Ojai is a half hour inland from Ventura...does that mean Ventura is a half hour OUT-land from Ojai? I didn't know how to answer so I just told him it was about a half hour South-ish. He really didn't care. He kept pronouncing it "Ven-turry" anyway. Whatever. It's really not that big of a deal.
I spent about a half hour there talking to that guy and coming up with sketches and set ideas and stuff. I left the theatre only to find that it was RIDICULOUSLY warm outside. I took off my sweatshirt and tied it around my purse, in the way I remembered Amanda doing so often. I can't believe I'd never seen someone else do that before. It's so practical! Anyways, I knew the bus wouldn't be coming for another half hour or so, so I started wandering about Ojai. I suddenly remembered that a few weeks ago, I'd walked by a store in Ojai that had a cute top in the window with an Om symbol on it. At the time, I didn't have money for it, so I was super bummed and promised I'd go back. Well, I figured at this point I had nothing better to do, and $50 to spend, so I looked for the store. I found it and it still had that cute top in the window, so I went inside.
The people in this store were SO NICE. SO NICE. I can't even express to you how lovely they were. They were all older women with well-kept hairdos and classy jewelry and very muted clothing. Immediately when I walked in one of them saw me and said, "Wow, I love your purse! That's such a beautiful color!" Another one of the women went, "Oh, let me see! Oh, that's the color I'm painting my kitchen!" and then they went off about how she's redoing her entire house and getting all new furniture and it was one of the loveliest conversations that I've ever had. Finally she asked me if there was anything that she could help me find, and I told her that I was just looking around. I found the Om top, but they didn't have one in my size, so I decided to look around at other things. They had some amazing jewelry, and my Om necklace has been looking pretty sad lately, so I asked them if they had any jewelry with the Om symbol. The woman behind the counter got all excited and said, "Oh! We just got a new shipment of some lovely Om influenced jewelry!" She brought out all these different necklaces with the Om symbol and let me try on every one of them. I wanted them all, but settled on this beautiful ornate silver one with a purple stone hanging down from it, and a purple stone on the top of it. I really like it. One of the women commented that it matched my vibrant outfit very well. She said, "I love your top, it's very beautiful. It reminds me of that movie Across The Universe. Have you seen that?" My eyes got all wide as I told her about how I'd seen it 4 times in theaters and how much I'd LOVED IT. She agreed that it was very well done. The lady gave me 20% off my necklace, and helped me put it on so I could walk out of the store wearing it. I wished them a lovely day and they told me to enjoy the weather. I want to visit them again soon.
I walked out of the store and saw that I had just missed the bus again. I had an hour to kill, so I walked into a couple other stores and looked at shit. I then caught a glance of Libbey Park across the street and noticed a huge banner that said "OJAI PEACE COALITION". I was of course immediately drawn to it. I walked over there wearing my new studly Om necklace and my crazy PEACE shirt and asked them what was going on here and how I could help. They had these pillars set up that had pictures of befallen soldiers in Iraq. They explained to me that they are in the process of getting a petition signed to show to the Ojai City Council to urge them to make their voices heard and join the fight against the war. I was of course down with that. They said that in accordance, they were having people write down the names of befallen soldiers on the pavement in chalk to show just how many have died. The entire pavement was covered in blue chalk-written names. They handed me a sheet with a bunch of names on it, and showed me where other people left off and where I could start. They gave me a square to work in, some blue chalk and a knee pad thing [I thought that was very thoughtful]. I decided I was only going to write down 5 names. So I wrote down 5 names. Then I decided to do 10 names. So I got to 10. Then I kept going. I finished out the rest of the page, the rest of the square, I couldn't stop writing down names. Next to each name, I put a peace sign. I found myself crying after a while, it was so hard to deal with. I ended up putting down about 22 or 23 names. I got up and handed them back the blue chalk and told them I'd finished out the page. They were SO HAPPY. They wished me a lovely day and I asked them if there was anything else that I could do. They told me I could sign their petition if I wanted, so I did. I loved that they weren't pushy or anything. A woman who was helping to organize this function told me she loved my shirt. "Did you know we were going to be out here today?" she said. And I said, "Ya know, I think subconsciously I did." She smiled and handed me a blue ribbon to pin to my shirt to show my support. I wished them all a lovely day and the best of luck, and they blew kisses as I left. Goddam it, I love Ojai.
I wandered over to this bookstore down the street and tried to find something interesting to read. I just finished Kahlil Gibran's "The Prophet" [which was AMAZING, Amanda, thank you for recommending that to me, I still need to write a blog about that], so yeah I was looking for something else to read. I decided I should try to find something by Gary Snyder, since I will be attempting to visit him soon, and it would be good if I was a little more knowledgeable of his writings. So I went up to the woman who was running the joint and asked her if she had anything by Gary Snyder. She said, "Ummm...I'm sorry, but I'm not familiar with the writer's name. What genre would he be?" I held in my anger and frustration and said, "Oh, he's a poet of sorts." She said, "Well, we have a wall full of poetry over here on the shelf marked 'poetry'..." and she proceeded to give me a full tour of her whole bookstore. I was like, thanks, I can read, I think I can figure out which shelves are which, but whatever. I'd already looked at the poetry section before asking her if she had anything by Gary Snyder, so I acted like I was looking through it again, and then asked her if there were any other bookstores near by. She told me to check out a bookstore up a little ways, and another more vintagey bookstore called Bart's Books. Oh, Bart's Books. I'd almost forgotten that place existed until she mentioned it. I've had far too many good times in that store. I don't think I've been in there for 2 years. Anyone who knew me 2 years ago knows what those "good times" entail.
I was going to walk over to Bart's Books and probably face a painful walk down memory lane, but then I saw the bus in the distance and took it as a sign that my Ojai adventure was over. I got on the bus and wrote about my adventures all the way home. I got off at the VHS stop and went to get my transcripts, and then met up with Danielley, Tobler, and Jon. We went over to Corrales and ended up staying there for like 2 and a half hours. It was pretty ridic. Then Danielley had to get to rehearsal, so we picked up our things and walked back over to VHS after making a quick stop at mein Haus. I went with Danielley and Tobler to their Sweet Charity rehearsal, and had a blast going on adventures with Tobler. We went up to the AP light room, the spotlight room, the orchestra pit, and hung around in the green room telling each other awkward stories. I also read him a children's story called "The Snow Must Go On", and had a great time in doing so until I got super pissed off because it described the dancers as ALL GIRLS and the dance teacher as a snow WOMAN. I found it incredibly sexist. Like, why did they have to specify? Why couldn't it just have been a snow TEACHER, and why did they have to be GIRL dancers? Why not just dancers? I threw the book down and screamed at it. Tobler begged me to keep reading it, so I picked it back up and reluctantly continued. It was the worst book I have ever read, but I had fun reading it to Tobler. I treated him like he was 5 and used different voices for different characters and stuff. It was hilar.
So that was my day. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get up early tomorrow for the St. Patty's Day parade. I owe Brian McDonald a favor cuz I missed his class for 2 weeks due to illness, so now I have to pass out fliers at the parade tomorrow for the lame Rubicon summer program that I might not even be a part of. Whatever. Good Night. Om Shanti.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Most Of The Time
I remember so vividly those 13 minutes of staring on that warm summer evening. I don't know what you were thinking, and I probably never will. You probably don't remember, anyways. I was wearing pajamas. You'd wrangled me in to go see a local showcase after rehearsal one day. I think it was the first time I'd ever driven with you, but I could be mistaken. I memorized those eyes; those serious, ice blue eyes. You had the power to stare at my soul.
The truth is, I distanced you. I did whatever I could to make you leave me, cuz I couldn't handle being with you. The fact that my feelings for you weren't returned, ruined me, and I destroyed whatever I could. That's why we're how we are. Because I'm an unstable, self-destructive girl, who couldn't handle a broken heart. And you couldn't handle breaking my heart, that's why it was so hard. As much as you couldn't stand me whining and screaming and yelling, you couldn't stand being the cause of it more, so you stayed to try and fix it. But I never let you fix it. I shut you out. I destroyed your spirit.
I did whatever I could to make you feel bad, because I wanted you to feel my pain, my suffering. I don't know who I was. I'm so sorry you had to see that side of me. I've never been genuinely happy for you. I just realized that. I wonder if you've ever been genuinely happy for me.
You and I, we like to salvage. And that's why every 3 weeks, we contact each other. Neither of us can stand to be the bad guy, even if it's in a friendship that's been doomed for 2 years now. I can't remember if I like talking to you.
I'm trying to figure out if this was a mistake or not...
The truth is, I distanced you. I did whatever I could to make you leave me, cuz I couldn't handle being with you. The fact that my feelings for you weren't returned, ruined me, and I destroyed whatever I could. That's why we're how we are. Because I'm an unstable, self-destructive girl, who couldn't handle a broken heart. And you couldn't handle breaking my heart, that's why it was so hard. As much as you couldn't stand me whining and screaming and yelling, you couldn't stand being the cause of it more, so you stayed to try and fix it. But I never let you fix it. I shut you out. I destroyed your spirit.
I did whatever I could to make you feel bad, because I wanted you to feel my pain, my suffering. I don't know who I was. I'm so sorry you had to see that side of me. I've never been genuinely happy for you. I just realized that. I wonder if you've ever been genuinely happy for me.
You and I, we like to salvage. And that's why every 3 weeks, we contact each other. Neither of us can stand to be the bad guy, even if it's in a friendship that's been doomed for 2 years now. I can't remember if I like talking to you.
I'm trying to figure out if this was a mistake or not...
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