This is a Testimonial. Read with severe caution.

I always need silence when I write. I don't know why that is.

I don't even know what I want to write about. Everything in my life seems so dramatic. But not even real life dramatic, just high school dramatic. Boys liking me, me liking boys. It seems like there is so much going on, but at the same time, it seems like nothing is happening. Ugh, fucking paradoxes. That one doesn't even make sense. I can't even write like a normal person anymore, that's how immature these last couple weeks have been.

I don't trust anyone anymore. It's kinda ridiculous. I read into everything. I think it's cuz the one person that I trusted for so long became so flighty and distant. I hate that I know nothing about him, but he knows everything about me. He doesn't even need to ask, he just KNOWS. And it sucks. It makes me want to never trust anyone again with anything. And I don't. I hate showing my sensitive side now. Unless it's too him, of course. I think that's all he ever sees is the side of me that feels pain and suffers all the time. Because I know I can't keep up a facade with him, it is impossible for me to lie to him. But at the same time, it's so tempting to...

I don't even know where I am going to be next semester. I don't even know where I am right now.

I just want to sleep for a week and wake up in a completely different world. I would like to one day just disappear without so much as a goodbye. I think it'd be funny.

Jim Morrison had this fascination with death. Since I was really young, I've had almost the same fascination. I've always had the feeling that I will die young. I know that's an awful thing to say, and I'm sure everyone's freaked out by me by now, but it's true. I think about it all too often, and because of that, I think I've kind of accepted it.

I don't like being left behind. I don't think anyone does in this world, but I especially take it very very hard. Maybe that's why I'm so attracted to death. Because that way, I would be doing the leaving, not vise-versa. There'd be no way for anyone to leave me, I would be the one to flee. Maybe that's why I've always been drawn to suicide cases, too. Like, I'm not suicidal or anything, I could never take my own life, but I've always been drawn to those that do. I always want to know what they were thinking, I wish I could live inside of their head for that split second before they do it, just to know what kind of chaos was happening. I'm pretty sure it would ruin me to ever know, but I'm still curious.

I once tried it. But obviously failed. No, I shouldn't see it as failing, I should see it as winning. I'm glad I didn't go all the way through with it. I used to think about it a lot my junior year of high school. I tried it the summer after junior year. It didn't get too serious, my life wasn't in too much danger. I don't want to go into how I almost did it, or why, or anything. It just still haunts me to this day. I don't see it as a huge deal anymore because it's so far in the past, but I mean I think about what happened every once in a while. Things like that don't leave you very easily, or most likely ever. I remember I called Jake right after. He calmed me down. He came by the house and we had a severe heart to heart. I fell in love with him that night. I mean, I'd always liked him a lot, but that night, that was when I fell in love and never looked back. I wonder if he knows that.

I used to cut, too. Goddam it, I don't know why I've decided to talk about this so suddenly. Um...yeah, I started to cut in 7th grade, stopped, and then picked it back up again the end of my junior year. Again, I'd prefer not to go into why. I stopped the beginning of my senior year. Jake was there for all of that, too. He was actually the one to get me to stop. I remember the last time I did it, I told him, and the next day, he distanced himself. It was the 10th time, and he was sick of it. And since that day, he has been distancing himself further and further with each passing moment. That's why I stopped. Because I lost the one person I loved by doing it. After that day, I've never been able to regain his trust. Something died that day. "The end is where we start from", however, and I've been cut-free ever since. I can't describe to you how bittersweet that feeling is, with a fat emphasis on "bitter."

So I guess that's that. I really don't know how to end this now. I'm sorry if I've freaked anyone out, but this is what I've gone through in simplest terms. I could elaborate and embellish, but I'd prefer not to. There really is no point. All things must pass. This is me letting those things go.