You Go Your Way And I Go Mine

I was standing in line at the Starbucks inside Barnes & Noble today and couldn't help but think about just what the hell I would do if I turned around, coffee in hand, and saw him. I honestly have no idea what would happen in that moment. My stomach freaks out just thinking about it. Would I throw the coffee in his face? Would I force a hug? Would I cry? Yell? Scream? Run away? Ignore the entire thing? I honestly have no idea what I would do. And I freaked out thinking about it. I started shaking and couldn't get the courage to even move. I snapped out of it when the barista called my name and handed me my soy vanilla latte. But I still turned around very hesitantly. And I've been moving with caution ever since.

Knowing he is here, in the same town, and that there is even a remote chance of me seeing him, freaks me the hell out. That I could turn around at any moment and see him right there, standing in front me, with that crooked smile and those piercing blue eyes. I've been trying to block those out of my memory for months now. I don't even want to think about the sort of memories that would come flooding back to me if I were to see him face to face. And yet, there is a part of me that wishes I could see him, just so I could see what I would do. I really want to know.

I am literally deathly afraid of seeing him. I might faint.

I went to see The Bank Job with Toby and Jordan tonight, and the entire time that we were at the movie theater, my eyes were darting all around, making sure he wasn't there. And then when we went to Carrows afterwards, I kept gazing out the window looking for his car. I just wish I knew where he was. Cuz it sucks not knowing and having there always be that chance that we'll be in the same place at the same time. I've got an entire week of this guessing game, too.

I remember when I saw him over Winter Break. I freaked out. Luckily I was in Erin's car, and he was in his car, so there wasn't any chance of us actually having to speak to each other. I don't even think he saw me. All I remember is driving with Sarah and Erin to Wells Fargo, and seeing him in the car behind us. I got really quiet and started shaking. I was on edge the rest of Winter Break.

I shouldn't be afraid of him, and I hate that I am. What I hate even more is that it wouldn't be a big deal for him to see me. He doesn't fear seeing me. He doesn't keep a look out for me every second of the day. And here I am sitting in my room, just PRAYING he doesn't call and ask me to come outside.

...And at the same time, I'm praying he's outside right now.