For No One

So I would say I can't remember the last time I woke up in Ventura and was ok in doing so, but I most certainly can. It was in October of last year, when I came back and visited for 3 days and thought about not getting on my flight back to San Francisco. That was the last time I actually whole-heartedly was alright with waking up in Ventura.

Now I wake up and wish I was somewhere else. I close my eyes tightly, hoping it's all a dream and that the real Aly is actually somewhere very very different and actually DOING SOMETHING with her life. That the real Aly took her life seriously and wound up somewhere else, and is of course, very happy. That the real Aly...has a real life.

My life lately consists of going to bed at 4 am watching Scrubs re-runs and then waking up sometime between 12:30 and 2. On a good day, I wake up at about 11. I still don't know what I want to do with my life. I'm still wandering aimlessly around Ventura College, searching for something to inspire me, something to go "HEY! DO THIS!", and I have yet to find anything. I always thought I was destined for great things, but now I'm worried I'm just gonna sit here and rot cuz I can't seem to throw myself into anything. I feel like I've already reached my peak and now I have nothing left to give.

The other night when Amanda and I were driving back from our snowy adventure, and we somewhat flirted with death, I remember thinking, "I really don't care if we make it back or not." I didn't want to die or anything; I just really didn't care where we ended up. If I hadn't made it back, I would've been ok with that. I didn't feel like I had anything to look forward to. And that...well, that's just rough to realize.

The only time I ever feel like a part of something is when I'm with my really good friends, and even then sometimes it's a hit and miss. But I hate being alone. Mainly because I don't like myself, I think. I can't even count how many times I have disappointed myself over the past 2 years. Whether it be in school or in relationships or in art or theatre or music or even sports. And even when I do do something that makes myself proud, it's like, "Ok, but now what do I do with that?" It's this never-ending circle of...goddam it, I can't even think of a word to describe it. It's like...nothing is ever finished. And I know, I'm only 19, I'm only 19, but next year, I'll only be 20. And then the year after that, 21. And then I'll only be 35, and then only 40, and then 50. At what age do you go, "SHIT, I NEED TO DO SOMETHING!"? I figure if I don't freak out about it now, it's gonna bite me in the ass later.

Erin and Amanda leaving has finally hit me. I don't know what to do with myself. At least when Kait left, I had people to fall back on, and the same with Alex. But this time, Erin left, and I fell on Amanda, and then Amanda left, and all I did was fall. Not on anyone, I just fell, and I'm still falling. And everyone is making these spectacular plans to go see people over spring break and I know I'm just going to be sitting right here, right in this very spot, typing away about how lonely I am, how I hate where I am, because I haven't got anyone here to tell me it's ok and redirect me somewhere else.

I don't have a home, is what it all comes down to. All the familiar faces have left. Everything I've known has been altered. I have this dream of following in the steps of Kerouac, and living my life like a rolling stone, but even Kerouac had a home to go back to. I just don't like being asked what I am doing with my life, and have my only reply be, "well...not much." I don't like sitting in class and having my teacher tell us that we have to "find ourselves" and have my immediate reaction be to just burst into tears. I would give anything to wake up tomorrow morning and have it be the first day of senior year. To start over, to re-group. I would give anything to crop out that one solitary figure in my life that threw me into that spiraling whirl of madness and anguish for the past 3 years. I just want to feel like I'm worth something again.