Hello Again

I haven't heard his voice in 3 months.

Last night, I had a really weird dream. I don't remember much of it except for the end, but I know that in the dream I went mini-golfing with two of my friends. I can't even remember if we had a good time or not, the only thing I remember is that while leaving the mini-golf place, my phone rang. I looked to see who was calling, but it said unknown. So I answered the phone with a puzzled "Hello?", and a teenage boy answered, "Hey."

I instantly woke up. My eyes were wide open. It was him. How do I still know what he sounds like? It was the same goddam inflection and everything. In my dream, I instantly knew who it was and it woke me the hell up. I couldn't go back to sleep after that. It was bad enough hearing him in a dream; what if in one of my dreams I decided to see him, too.

All morning, I couldn't get it out of my head. I kept hearing that "hey" over and over again. My mom and I ran a bunch of errands this morning, and the whole time I just sat in the car and thought about how long it has been since he actually called me. That's when I came up with that 3 month figure. It freaked me out.

There was something else weird that happened, too, connected to this dream: When my eyes blasted wide open after hearing his voice, I had those few seconds where I still thought I was in the dream; I actually thought the phone call had been for real. I eventually realized it hadn't been and then sat there freaking out for like 10 minutes, but for those first few seconds, I really wished he'd called. I'm pretty sure that as I woke up, I either mouthed or actually said, "Hello."

So that definitely threw my day out of whack. I woke up feeling. I woke up with these huge heavy feelings already weighing me down. I tried really hard to wear them off by the end of the day, but as you can see, that didn't work out so well.

Ya know, it was hard enough not having someone who loved me back, but now I don't even have someone to complain about. I'm surrounded by all of these people in relationships who just keep complaining and complaining and complaining about how hard their relationship is, or how "uncaring" their significant other is, or how it's been 3 months since they've done anything sexual, or whatever, and they don't even realize how BLESSED they are to even have someone to just complain about. Oh really? 3 months without doing anything intimate? Try going 3 months without even hearing the voice of the person you shared your entire life with. Try waking up one day and realizing that entire part of you is gone. I'm at a point where I would love it even if he called me up just to fight with me. I would give anything to be sitting here complaining about something dumb he did today, but the truth is, I have nothing to complain about. Instead I just sit here alone, watching everyone else sabotage their relationships, and tell me why their lives are just so hard, not realizing how much I would give anything to feel the way they do. To have that much emotion invested into one person. Oh, and to have that person be invested back.

By the way, please don't take any of this too seriously. I'm tired and in a horrible mood. I most likely don't mean half of it.