I tried sleeping tonight, but that didn't really work out. I don't know why. So I decided to go through my old journals cuz I couldn't find anything else to do. I could be writing my third and final essay for Naropa, but I can't figure out what to write about, so looking at my past writings seemed like a good idea.
I decided to pull out the old junior year journal. Well, beginning of junior year. I filled up about 3 journals that year. Anyone who was there knows why. Anyways, I flipped open the old green composition book I used with the green sharpie marks on the front [that was the year I was obsessed with green, people], and started skimming the pages. Not much happened in the beginning. I did write a very interesting piece about how Boy Meets World has affected my life...good lord. There were a couple of failed poems and actually some AP English notes, but then I came across this one page and I stopped.
I used to do this thing where I would fill up an entire page with things that I love. I would write the phrase "I <3" over and over again with things that I "heart" after it. I remember having to write really small so I could fit everything. Here's what I put down as the things that I loved:
-Emz
-my family
-my friends
-Green Day
-MOCHA FRAPPUCINOS
-sushi
-Boy Meets World [of course]
-Rider Strong!
-Kaitlin
-soccer
-Conan O'Brien
-bowling
-OLD MOVIES
-Charlie Chaplin
-ART
-drama
-Mastro
-Orlando Bloom
-Johnny Depp
-MTV
-CourtTV
-GREEN!
-Emz's family
-Phantom of the Opera
-plays
-musicals
-shoes
-purses
-TV
-Whose Line Is It Anyway
-Tyson
-SNL
-the phone
-AOL
-ebay
-Rooney
-seeing movies w/ friends
-laughing
-hanging out w/ my mom
-watching Family Guy w/ Max
-hearing my dad yell "SHOOT IT!" on the sidelines of my soccer games
-my grandparents E. Valley Rd. house
-my childhood
-8th grade [I don't remember why]
-singing
-dancing
-lipsyncing
-karaoke
-Weezer
-laughing...A LOT
-going to tournies w/ my mom
-Law & Order
-Ashlee Simpson's reality show [Oh God, I did love that show...]
-my hair...when it's taken care of [Ooooo back in the days of brushing]
-my personality
-Pacula
-summer
-winter
-Molly McCambridge LOL
-music videos
-the 80s, the 90s, and VH1's other addictive shows
-countdown shows
-Will & Grace
-Family Guy
-my cellphone
-staying up late
-writing
-old albums
-buying gifts for people I love
-the look on my mom's face when I make her a card
-my clothes
-The Softer Side
-Leonardo DiCaprio (in his prime)
-Baz Luhrman's directing skills
-Moulin Rouge!
-Broadway
-Romeo + Juliet
-reading
-HARRY POTTER
-"Buddy Holly" by Weezer
-laughing so hard my stomach hurts
-finding really cool vintage things
-thrift stores
-shopping
-bright colors
-being tall...well, when I wear my 4" high sandals [God, I remember those]
-going downtown with Kaitlin
-polkadots
-making fun of EVERYTHING stupid with the help of Emz
-ghost stories
-reading the obituary section
-Fred Astaire
-the Art Fashion Show
-acrylic paints
-blending
-monologues [Still do, Oh God, I really do...]
-UCLA! [yeah, I remember really wanting to go there]
-college sweatshirts [I used to have like 8 from the thrift store]
-Cake! [not sure if I meant the band or the food]
-Phish Food
-Audrey
-silent films
-comedies
-Scrubs
-wearing interesting outfits
-make-up
-my eyes
-cutting & pasting [Arts & Crafts, guys, come on]
-my writing
-my E's [I had cool E's, not gonna lie]
-IM
-sunglasses
-awards shows
-clothes
-vintage things
-my mom's dumb remarks
-judy garland
-De-Lovely [Haven't seen the movie since]
-Debra Messing
-Kids In The Hall
-The Simpsons
-Saved By The Bell
-True Hollywood Stories on E!
-People Magazine
-embarrassing moments
-sharing stories with Emz
-Natalie Portman
-The Brat Pack
-Usher!
-rock...punk rock, that is [GOD KILL ME]
-Roxy
-filling out forms [Ha, I do love that]
-my signature
-Colin Mocherie
-Ryan Stiles
-stand-up comedy
-my B-day!
-New Year's Eve
-X-mas
-camping
-the VW van
-slumber parties
-TPing people
-secrets
-reading about famous people
-learning fun facts about old movies and actors
-Zach Braff
-Arrested Development
-watching movies w/ Emz
-PB & J
-french toast
-Spiderman
-Ed, Edd, & Eddy
-SpongeBob!
-soundtracks
-soup
-Lewis & Clark...LOL [I don't get it.]
-DANNY!
-JOSH!
-my soccer team
-AYSO
-No Doubt
-AFI
-Phil Hartman
-Steve Martin
-being corny
-talking in an English accent
-checkerboard pattern
-mod
-"Fashion Victim" by Green Day
-David Hockney's "Mullholland Drive"
And then quickly added in on the side it says, "I <3 JAKE! I <3 THE SWAMP MONSTER!", with an implied "giggle giggle giggle"...These additions were made later, a month or so after I wrote the rest of it. It was weird looking at this and comparing it to how I feel now. I can't say I don't still love any of those things, but there are definitely a lot of things that I now love more. Like The Beatles! They are nowhere to be found on that list. Or The Who, or Tommy, or Led Zeppelin, or The Velvet Underground, or Catcher in the Rye, all of those things weren't a part of my life yet. I guess it's hard to grasp because they're such an important part of my life now, that I had forgotten what life was like without them. The Silly Squad isn't even on there, or Toblerone. Or Amanda, or any of the San Francisco crew. So many people I have met since then, so many things I have experienced...I completely lost sight of that.
It was also weird for another reason. Well, here, let me explain:
I started seeing a therapist. It's been really hard dealing with schools, and friends leaving [mentally and physically], and finding out what I want to do, and dealing with being back in Ventura, so I needed someone to talk to. I know I have several friends that I can confide in, but I think I need an outside perspective. I've only had two sessions, so not much has happened, but the first session my therapist asked, "So what do you love doing?" I told her that I love hanging out with my friends, to which she asked, "And doing what?" And I told her it didn't matter, I just loved being with my friends. She said, "Ok, now, friends aside, what do you love to do everyday?" That's when I got scared. I couldn't think of anything. I couldn't think of anything I genuinely, whole-heartedly loved to pieces. So when I found this page, this overflowing page of things that I loved, I got kinda depressed. Why was it so easy then to list these things, and now it has become so hard? I mean, sure, I can list possessions that I love, music, bands...but there isn't anything that I really love doing everyday, besides being with friends, of course. I dunno. It's just weird.
I think I'm gonna make a new list.
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2 comments:
It's always nice to have the advice of someone who is practically unbiased, such as a therepist. i have been to quite a few, and sometimes you feel better and sometimes you don't. i hope you feel better. this new school you found sounds amazing!
i know i don't know you extremely well, but i think you heart being real. and seeing beauty. that's the first thing that came to my mind when i asked myself, "what does aly like?"
if you ever want to talk to me i'd be glad to listen as i feel a bit akin to you.
love!
Deidre
(Nice, Deige. Aly does like those things.)
Aly also likes to think, and Aly likes to adventure and Aly likes to express herself.
So, Sylvia, I hope that your therapist is a good one. Because, as we have learned from our two person book club, sometimes therapists can completely miss the point and give you shock therapy that makes you even crazier...or they can be wonderful people who help you enter the real world again.
I'm listening to "Don't Pass Me By" right now. Oh, Aly likes to listen to amazing music and then to learn about music. Aly also likes to read and take in tons of information.
Aly likes to make my life amazing, too.
Where was I going with this? I guess I just miss you a hell of a lot and it KILLS ME that you're unhappy right now. Your spirit it so vibrant and powerful and it needs to be allowed to flourish. It shouldn't be cooped up and put into traditional schemes. I wish I could be there for you right now, going to Africa isn't worth the destruction of my best friend.
Let me know if I have to come back.
I like your list of things that you heart, I love Fred Astaire too, which is weird that we both like Fred Astaire. Let's watch "Top Hat" together when I'm back.
It's weird how the things we like changes, huh? Even weirder how the people that we used to like changes.
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