i'm surprised i haven't killed someone yet.

i've kind of stopped listening to the world. there's too much happening for me to comprehend, so i just stopped listening. or maybe i'm still listening, but it's more like selective hearing. i'm really numb. i don't think there is anything that anyone could say right now that would shock me the least bit; i feel like i've heard it all. i realize things can always be much worse, much much worse, that is always in the back of my mind, and i think at this point it's the only thing saving me from a mental breakdown. starving orphan children in africa are keeping me from losing my mind, but at the same time put more weight on my heart. my heart is always heavy with something, anything. if it's not one thing, it's the other. my life was finally sorting itself out, and then all of a sudden these walls showed up, these separate walls of all different heights, they just stuck themselves in my path, and now i have to fucking climb over them, and i keep going, i always keep going, because if i stop, i WILL lose my mind, and it will not be pretty. being awake has just started to really wear me out. it seems like the world is moving so much faster now more than ever.


there are those slow moments, however, like when you finally realize that the person you were so enamoured with 3 years ago doesn't want anything to do with you anymore, and honestly wouldn't care if you stepped in front of a bus. those moments last forever. and ever. and always occur at odd times. like 8:13 am on a wednesday, or 2:08 am on a sunday. or when you realize that the aforementioned person basically derailed your life for 3 years and you still don't feel whole because they took the other half of you with them when they left. those moments where you wish you hadn't met them; those moments where you wish they didn't exist.


but then there are those thoughts that come to you at 2:12 am on a sunday, where you realize what you've learned and where you're going, and all of a sudden, it really doesn't matter what you've been through or who it was that you went through it with. none of that is important.


i've got a lot of great people in my life right now who really do love me. some have only been around for a couple months, some for years, but in any case they're here, and really really would care if i stepped in front of a bus.


"though the flesh be bugged, the circumstances of existence are pretty glorious." thanks, jack.


i'm gonna go back to reading big sur. i think it's time i picked it up again.