Life On Mars?

You can't hear anything in outer space. Nothing. Sound gets lost.

I think I had a dream about this. Or maybe it was just part of a weird thought pattern. But in any case, I thought about this at some point last week. I thought about how if I was in outer space, by myself, how silent it would be. I would only be able to hear my breathing. Just my breath.

There are times where I feel really alone. Like, I feel very small compared with the rest of the world, compared to the things around me. And I feel distanced from everything, from all of it, even when there is someone sitting right next to me, talking to me even, I still can feel very alone. And then there are times where I daydream about outer space and its emptiness. There are times where all I want is pure and absolute silence. Where I don't want to hear anything, not even the wind.

When I saw Children of a Lesser God at the Rubicon, there was this part where the main teacher guy plugs his ears and tried to understand how this deaf woman feels, to hear (or I guess NOT hear) what she hears (or DOESN'T hear). She made some comment about how he will never truly understand. I plugged my ears and tried it. I have of course plugged my ears before, but I never really paid attention to the sensation it transmits. You can still hear. Its muffled, but you can still hear. Sound waves are still being transmitted, and you can still feel it. No hearing person can ever understand absolute silence.

When I realized that, it really depressed me for a little bit. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I want to be deaf or anything, I just for once would like to feel the idea of absolute silence. To be able to melt into my own mind without any auditory distractions. That's why outer space is so attractive to me. I know it sounds loony, I know that, but I mean, think about it. Think about if the only sound you could hear was yourself breathing in and out. Think about pure blackness except for the freckly stars. Think about floating weightless, not knowing if you're up or down, and realizing it doesn't matter because gravity doesn't exist. Think about absolute freedom.

I don't know if there's anything in this world that I want more.