It's My Party and I'll Cry If I Want To.

I'm not scared.  That's the only thing I can think of to say.  I've been wanting to write this huge testimonial for days now, because that is what I usually do when something is about to come to an end, and a new beginning is on the horizon.  God, that sounded so gay.  So incredibly gay.  I can't even write anymore.  I don't know why.  Nothing I have been writing is interesting in the least, unless I am drunk off my ass, and even then it's not all that entertaining.  I want to write something that doesn't make sense, but everything I have been writing lately is so literal, so tangible, so real.  My mind won't fuck itself up for even a second.  What I really want to do is leave now.  That's what I really wish to happen.  Leaving is so different this time.  Maybe I need to stop seeing it as such a big deal.  Maybe it's not that big of a deal.  Last time, it was a huge deal.  People made time to hang out with me during my last days.  But this time?  No one cares.  No one cares that I'm flipping out.  I am scared.  I am so scared.  But mainly it's because I think I've lost everything here.  I feel like I've lost everything in my world.  A lot of my friendships fell apart this year.  A lot.  And I didn't gain many either.  I just wish that for once I didn't have to throw my own party, that someone could take care of that for me.