Sometimes I wish I was on drugs. I feel like my life and my mind would make a lot more sense if I had a drug problem. Of course, then I would create a whole other issue for myself, but at least with something like that...that shit can be fixed. It's difficult and it fucks with you, but it can be fixed. The mess I'm in...can't. Or it can, but I just don't know how. I don't know what I need, I don't know what I want, the only thing I can ever think is "Out, out, out, out, out..." Why do I need to get out so badly? Why do I always feel like I'm missing out on something else?
My history of bad relationships, or lack thereof, doesn't help either. I'm a good friend, that's one thing I can be sure of. So good in fact, that no one will even DARE start a relationship with me, in fear of ruining that wonderful friendship. In some respects, this is nice. But every time I am given the "just friends" talk, that hole within my heart just gets bigger and bigger and consumes some aspect of my personality. And I know, in life all I have is myself, I can only control myself, I can only take care of myself, but fucking shit, it'd be nice if just someone, ANYONE decided I matter to them, too.
I'm unloveable. And sometimes that's ok. Sometimes I honestly feel like if someone else was thrown into my life and became just as important as my own well being, I would not be able to handle it and I wouldn't want to handle it. But there are other times where even a glance means the world, a smile brightens everything, and a touch no matter how gentle or swift is absolutely breathtaking.
I can't tell if it was a good idea to let him back into my life. I'm not crying about him, as far as I know anyway. But I can't tell if he's a reminder. If by staying friends with him and including him in my life, I'm subconsciously reinforcing the idea that I'm unloveable. He really made me believe I was unworthy of just about anything and everyone. His presence made me forget about God, forget about faith, forget about my future, my past, my priorities, my friends, my family, my passion...myself. And I don't know who I am anymore, and I keep running and running and running from city to city, state to state, school to school, interest to interest, just trying to figure it all out, just trying to find even a trace of the person I was before I met him. I feel so numb and so vulnerable all at the same time. Sometimes I look over the side of balconies and wonder if the fall would kill me. Sometimes I wish I would go to sleep and not wake up. And that's so selfish, I know! Because there are several people out there with far worse problems than myself who are praying for LIFE, and here I am condemning it.
It's not his fault. It's not his fault I'm unhappy, I really have to remember that. I threw myself in way too deep, and now I need to find my way back to the shallow end. And it can't happen in one night, and it can't happen in one year, and it can't even happen at one school.
My mind needs to just stop fucking with me and get this shit figured out.
1 comment:
HEY
You will be fine.
But if you DO want change, it will have to come from you. Not a place or thing, which I'm sure you know.
but, you will be fine!
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