How could I have been stronger? Why didn't you hold my hand? Why didn't I follow my instincts? What were you thinking? What was I thinking? What did the people around us think? Why did I let you become my life? Will you ever leave me alone? Why on earth do you still call me at odd hours of the night? Do you actually miss me? Did you ever miss me? Did you ever love me?
Did you ever love me. Try as I might, that's the question that is asked in between questions. I don't hear the echoes of the other questions, I hear this played over and over. This question, this five word seemingly simple inquiry defines my very existence. Because I have to be completely sure to do anything. There are no maybe's when it comes to my decision-making. So when I kiss someone, it's not on instinct or a whim, it's with confidence. I KNOW what I am feeling. And I KNOW what might happen. If I am unsure in any respect, then it is a definite no.
I don't know how you couldn't have known that would destroy me. I have no idea how you could've done anything unless you had some type of feeling for me. But why wasn't it enough. Why wasn't it ever enough. Why wasn't it enough to make those memories good ones. Why wasn't I worth it. What did I do wrong.
It makes me want to throw up, it really does.
And I just keep YELLING at myself. WHY WON'T YOU LET HIM GO. WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LET IT DIE. WHY WON'T YOU STOP SEARCHING FOR ANSWERS. STOP. STOP. STOP.
And then he calls me, drunk and half-high; and the smile returns, the laugh returns, and I'm on autopilot, setting myself up for another disastrous evening in the near future.
No comments:
Post a Comment