Head Over Heels Over Heels Over Heels

About a year and a half ago, or maybe two years, I got really mad and destroyed everything. I destroyed everything that could possibly remind me of him. Playbills from plays we went to, movie tickets, pictures, random shit he gave me [like his guitar pic, which I actually turned into a necklace and wore for many many months], all kinds of shit. I kept it stored in a drawer, and on that one night when I got really mad, I emptied out that drawer into a trash bag and threw it out. The garbage truck came the very next morning and took it all away. I didn't even have time to rethink it. I knew that once I threw all of that shit out there and walked back inside and went to sleep, it would be the last time I would ever see any of it.

I remember telling him that I got rid of everything. I couldn't tell how he felt. He seemed...sad in a way, actually. And kind of mad. But he didn't make a big deal about it, he didn't yell or anything. I think when he heard that, that was when he realized this was not going to end well. That he had treaded too deep. I don't think he ever really realized how head over heels I was for him until I told him that. And that, I believe, was when he started looking for a way out.

I really miss talking to him. I miss him calling me to talk to me about plays, or monologues, or movies, or music. I miss him telling me those things, telling me what was going on in that little blonde head of his. My life just hasn't been the same since he stopped. He of course found someone else to talk to about those things, to share in those interests, someone who wouldn't flip out on him over the slightest thing, or make a huge deal about nothing, or even scare him to pieces with her own problems. I still insist on telling him everything. I don't know why. I still want him to know everything that is going on in my life, every little detail about what I am feeling, but he tells me nothing. I honestly have no idea who he is anymore. I don't know who he is friends with...I'm just so attached and detached at the same time, and it hurts so bad. It is so awful. It is the worst pain, the worst feeling you could ever feel, to be so enthralled with this one person who meant so much to you for so long, and then...they wouldn't really care if they never spoke to you again. He's my goddam crutch. I need to fucking heal and get rid of him.