Where Am I Going?

I looked in the mirror and saw two vacant eyes staring back at me. Two, unrecognizable, unfamiliar eyes. I stared and stared and stared waiting for something to make sense, for one of those eyes to finally remember, to finally identify, to finally understand. But they just stayed there, wallowing in deep confusion, just trying to make sense of everything.

I can still hear him cry. Only when I'm half-awake, but nonetheless, I hear him. Crying, pleading, begging...that was so long ago. So so long ago. In a time that didn't seem to make sense then, but makes more sense now.

I don't miss him. I miss the idea of him. The idea of having someone care so much about you that they couldn't stand even the thought of you leaving them. The idea of loving someone so much that it hurt to be without them. The idea of belonging to something so intangible and misunderstood. The idea of having your emotions pushed further and further, to a place you didn't even know you could reach. Everything meant something, so much meaning and care was put into every action. Risk. I want risk. It doesn't matter what I do now, and in a way that's freeing, but really...it just means I'm alone. I have people who care about me, I know this...but where's the intimacy? Where is that risk? Where are those emotions and feelings and actions? Nowhere near me, that's for sure.

I want and I want and I want, and I give and I give and I give. It's not even interesting anymore, it's just sad.