Kerouac Complex #563

i don't
exactly know
what it is
that i'm trying
to say
i don't
exactly know
what it is
that i'm trying
to do
we'll see
where this
leads me

i always think
i know
where i am
or
who i am
or
what i want
but maybe
i'm completely wrong
maybe i don't
know where
i am
or
who
i am
or
what
i want
if i knew
would i be here
would i be
awake
would i be
writing
reading
confused

all of this
is crap
all of it
i don't know
what i a
m
trying
to get across
maybe nothing
maybe every
thing
i thought
this was
fine
i thought this
would be
ok

my world stopped.
just now.
did you feel it?
no.
you didn't.
how could you?
you never did before.
how could you now?


i'm waiting for the day where you actually answer one of my questions.


once my hearts stops
that's when you'll pounce
once i stop trying
once i draw my last breath
my last thought
my last smile
then i'll mean something
i'll be something
i know
want what you can't have
have what you can't want
that's how it is, right?
for you

then you'll feel my world quake
and shake
and ache
and you'll know.

would i do it again?
no.
am i lying?
yes.
there's no more truth.
there never was.
we are lies
both of us
lies
lies
lies
lies lies lies.
honesty.
sweet honesty
return to me
restore my karmaa

patience is a virtue
and honesty a chore
our past is the raven
screaming
nevermore.