Different Colours Made of Tears

inspiration, motivation, cooperation, exasperation, saturation. a video into my past turned into a window into my soul, as i watched memories being made and facts unfold themselves. i didn't remember until just now, i didn't remember until just this second how much i was in love with him, how much i cared. i didn't remember what he looked like, i didn't even remember why i loved him, it was all gone. and then there he is unexpectedly, there is that smirk, that drawl, that long hair and those goddam blue eyes, and suddenly, i remember. i remember what it was that was so captivating, because 3 years later and it's still there. i just couldn't let go. one minute i held the key, next the walls were closed on me. i couldn't just say goodbye. adios. aufwiedersehen. none of that was good enough, instead i clung tightly and dug my fingernails into his arm, just emptying his veins, killing his spirit, ruining what little trust he had. i don't know how he got out. i wish i could get out. i wish i could leave. it's like i just woke up from a terrible dream and i'm not in the same place that i was when i fell asleep, and i have no idea how i got here. i didn't remember the past 3 years until just now. i didn't remember what happened until just now.

i slept for the past 2 days. just constant sleep. i woke up to eat, then went right back to sleeping. i'm tired. i'm always tired, and i don't even know why. for what reason do i have to be tired? the only times i'm not tired is when the moon is out, the city has fallen asleep, and i don't have to hear anyone else in this house make a noise except for my dog who wanders the house hourly. night is my only escape from communication in this godforsaken household, it's the only time where there is no risk of yelling or of fighting or screaming or anger. not with anyone else, anyway. usually i yell and fight and scream and get angry at myself during these few brief hours. i would really like to just sleep till august.

i might not see my best friend till december. i haven't seen her since january. you do the math. how painful is that.