Bleeding Love

I don't feel poetic.  I don't know how I feel.  I all of a sudden just felt really empty.  A deep sadness just creeped in out of nowhere.  I'm not even sure if it was attached to him, but his face was the first thing to flash in my mind.  I made the realization today that I am afraid to close my eyes.  I hate closing my eyes.  I was sitting out on this dock today over by Marina Park, and it was beautiful and tranquil and the perfect place to sit and meditate, but I just couldn't do it.  I got out there, sat down, stared out at the sea and tried so hard to keep my eyes focused on one thing.  I couldn't do it.  I can't fixate, I'm always all over the place.  Maybe I'm afraid if I stop moving, I'll never be able to move again.  I stopped moving when I met Jake.  I closed my eyes for far too long.  And now I have a hard time even blinking.  I sat there listening to the waves, watching them roll in and out, and then I tried so hard to close my eyes so I could soak it all in and delve into my mind and listen to the world and all that, but I just couldn't do it.  I would have my eyes closed for 3 seconds and then have to open them.  And it's always like that.  I never close my eyes in cars, on buses, airplanes, nothing.  I can never fall asleep with other people around.  At sleepovers, I almost always fall asleep last.  I'm just really paranoid, I guess.

I'm still feeling empty.  I don't know where this came from.  I'm gonna try to write right through it.

It's hard for me to face the fact that there is this person out there who knows more about me than probably anyone I know, including my mother, and I don't even talk to him anymore.  He's out there walking around with all my secrets stored up, and I don't even know who he is anymore.  We can't even look at each other.  I saw him yesterday from afar, not even up close, and the wind was immediately knocked out of me.  He didn't even have to look at me.  He didn't even have to acknowledge my existence, and here I was with my head between my knees, panting like a psychopath just trying to catch my breath.  All I see in my mind is every day and night we had together; every car ride, every talk, every phone call, every play, it's all there in my head, and he's there in my head, but my eyes only see this person that I don't even know, who knows all about me, every single detail, because I chose to scream and I made him listen.  I always feel ugly around him because he always made me feel like I wasn't good enough.

When I go running, I picture him running, too.  It turns it into a race and I'm determined to win.  I just for once want to be better than him at something.  He's had two girlfriends since me and countless hook-ups, and I've had none of either.  I'm just too afraid, I guess.  Don't want to get hurt, don't want to get too attached; I run from everyone.

I've become very reserved.  Like, I have a really hard time making friends on my own.  Sure, I mean, I've gained new friends over the years, but it was always through someone else.  I haven't just "made a friend" in a really long time.  So that's scary, cuz I'm leaving for Boulder in like 48 days, where I know NO ONE and will be forced to make new friends, or else be really lonely.  It's just been too hard for me to trust anyone after Jake.  Jake...god, that name doesn't even have a meaning anymore.  It doesn't resonate or anything.  It doesn't seem real.  Maybe that's why I have such a hard time seeing him, because it's like seeing a ghost.  He's just a memory--a figment of my own imagination, if you will.  A dream.

Then why does it still hurt so bad?