Almost Famous.

I have had the hiccups a total of three times within the last 3 hours.

I'd forgotten how much I love the movie Almost Famous. I watched Conan tonight, because I make it a routine of watching him every night before I go to bed, and I caught a particularly amazing interview with he and John Krasinski. I love that man. I just know that if we were to ever meet, we would get along famously. John Krasinski, Andy Samberg, and Justin Timberlake. Ugh, the dream team.

Anyways, I watched that wonderful interview with two of my favorite people, and then I was flipping through channels and saw that TBS was playing Almost Famous. It was at the part where they're on the bus and every one joins in and sings along with Elton John's classic "Tiny Dancer." That is such a beautiful moment. I can't even express why I love that scene, or even how much. I'm sure it has a different affect on everyone.

After that, the film progresses into moment after beautiful moment. From the scene between William and Penny after Russell sold her to Humble Pie for $50 and a case of Heineken; to the scene where Penny overdoses on Qualoods and William tells her he loves her; to the scene on the airplane where they all think they are going to die so everyone lays all of their shit out on the table and the drummer exclaims that he is gay, just before the turbulence passes. The tension after that scene is so thick. Can you even imagine what that would be like? To be so sure that you are going to die, so you shell out all of your secrets only to find out that that slim chance you had of living ends up being the way events turn? How amazing and unbelievable would that be? And I say "unbelievable", with every sense of the word attached to it.

There's a part of me that thought this college process would be so easy, and I'm stumped as to why it has been so hard. Why have there been so many "clincher" moments? So many scares? I don't know if I make it this hard on purpose, or if this is how it has been for everyone, or if it is because of the schools I have chosen. I just don't know.

I had an interesting subconscious revelation the other night that I haven't really come to terms with. Ok, so I missed the deadline for the FAFSA application. I have been on-time with every other deadline concerning schools, as far as letters of rec, the actual application, supplemental forms, transcripts, the whole deal. And then I miss this one deadline, and it shoots everything to hell. So I kind of freaked out. I mean, I realize now that all is not lost because there are other options out there for student financial aid, none as good as the FAFSA, but we can deal for one year. Anyways, I freaked out for a good 7 to 10 hours, just racking my brain on what I could do, what my Plan B could be, all that. And when I approached my mom about it, her first reply was, "Well, you could always go to VC for another year until we get this sorted out." I FLIPPED OUT. My mind almost exploded. The thought of being in this town again, being on that campus for another year, visiting the High School cuz I have nothing better to do, doing shit at the Rubicon, seeing another freaking VHS Talent Show, living at home with my parents and my stoned out of his mind brother...I went crazy. I could almost feel my eyes roll back into my head. I started mumbling, "No...no...no...", over and over again. And then I exclaimed, "WHY WON'T I LET MYSELF GROW UP?!"

My mom consoled me and let me know that she would look into other options tomorrow. Tomorrow still wasn't good enough for me, so I got even more frustrated and lashed out at my parents, mainly out of blind stress. I went to see Picasso at the Lapin Agile, a wonderful production going up at the Rubicon this weekend. It was beyond hilarious, and had wonderful meaning, but I felt very detached from the meaning because I was so caught up in my own troubles. I have a feeling that if I saw it under different circumstances, I would not only find it extremely hilarious, but delightfully enlightening as well. I only judged it on entertainment value this time around, however.

I couldn't stop thinking about what I had said in my boiling point of frustration, about not letting myself grow up. It's true, I have felt this way for months now, and have been on this determined endeavor to MAKE myself grow up. I don't want to become a full-fledged adult or anything, Peter Bellwood definitely taught me the importance in preserving a child-like amusement with the world, but I just need to stop thinking and living like a 16 year old.

It's weird, but I never actually feel 19. I feel either much much younger, or at least 30 years older. Right now I feel about 52. I'm not exactly sure how a 19 year old is supposed to feel, but I can guarantee it is not like a 52 year old. A 19 year old should be sitting in her dorm room right now either drunk out of her mind with friends, or studying for a test, or writing an important paper, wouldn't you think? Sometimes I think that I think too much.

I don't even know what I am supposed to do. But Peter Bellwood said that was ok, so if Peter Bellwood is ok with it, then I am ok with it.

I have been on 3 college searches, friends. One took place senior year when I thought UCs and CalStates were the only colleges that existed on this planet, and felt forced to apply to at least one of them. The second took place last year when I thought I could be an actor. The third is in the here and now, where I've finally come to terms with the fact that I don't know what I want to do, and have narrowed down my colleges to three schools that will help me figure that out.

Let's hope they want to help me.